Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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