don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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