Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
