Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
