I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
