I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
