I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
