who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
