I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
