you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
