Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize