I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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