After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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