I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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