You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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