i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
