I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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