he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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