I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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