Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
