soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
