I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
