From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
