Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
