I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So vagazzling was a success
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
