someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
my shit smells like andre
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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