It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
