i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
