He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
