some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
