She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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