So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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