so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
