I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
