i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize