I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
