Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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