This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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