if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
