We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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