I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
