If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
