I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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