fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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