Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
