I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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