She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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