Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
