I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
