I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
