I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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