so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This baby is an asshole
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
