His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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