what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
