I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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