I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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