You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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