i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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