I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
