i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize